its never easy.

there's so much in me, i need this to contain it.
i dont want to know you are departing this journey, i still want to try. though i hate cockroach but like its spirit. i dont want to know it will be like before that you will ignore it all and run on. i know its hard for both of us now, but if we dont try, we wont know. but its like an unfair match now. i was given a bad grade before the test. my chance was already low.

work harder, you can do better than that. you have to be strong.

i dislike what if(s), it torn us apart many times. thats when the bad thoughts like to enter, to disturb. i am so lost i dont even know i want to have company or be alone. i wish i was a robot or have one. to put me to bed and rest. to hug me when i cry. i know i am a crybaby, i will doing it under shower head so no one will ever see. i can really use one now. i dont want humans to put pity. i am even afraid to hear what i want to know. cause i wasnt told who am i. its been a week. almost a month used. i wish i had the courage to hold you on thurs night. what if thats the last time you come for me. (bad "what if") i really hope its not. i hope i can hibernate. though i might have bad dreams but at least i wont think of what might be happening especially i am ignored. i hate my brain. it wont stop. i know i want you happy but the selfish me needs you. i was really happy when you came home after so long. so glad that i can hold you close and be held back. it was all so beautiful. it was so cute when i went through old msges, the ones about wedding bands and "will you marry me?" now the bed is where i miss you most, when i used to stared at you most. i miss seeing shock face when you try to move away from your raining. you even push me away cause you rained on me. you will hold my hands tight when you are sleeping, drunk. not knowing why yourself and so do i. i miss you telling me not to steal your oxygen i like to sleep so close. i miss kissing that cheeks and lips when you are not aware. i miss those warms hands that will keep me warm. we didnt do much this time but i know it can make me laugh at all the silly litte things to went through. trying to run away from cockroahes that were everywhere. you getting impatient when i am so blind in games. its funny to see you get angry when i am so blur to dangerous surroundings, it can make me smile out from deeo down my heart to know you care. others might thing you can fierce, but it your form of communication. who says sweet thoughts must come out sweet. the only thing that matters, its the meaning of it, so what if there's lots of sweet words, how many are true? i know you were true.(: i am so thankful for these memories cause they can stop rain. i want to and need to work on building more. even if it brings disappointment, cause i know i will regret it if i dont try.

i hope i had the courage to tell you all these. but i have so much what if(s) thats stopping me. i will just wait. patience. good things dont come easy. you have got to work on it! work hard, really hard!

baby, i really miss you!
when are you coming home?

who am i?

i refuse to come here. i have no idea why, i wasnt making any sense. replaceable by someone you knew less than 2 months? or am i just stupid, you knew her all along? who am i lying when i wear that "i am fine" on me? the world. i dont want pity. i am feeling it already, thats why i told no one anything, nothing, anymore. i dont want anyone to think anything bad of you too. i hope i never say anything on msn that day, i wish i just live in your lies sometime. i will believe them. i told you i like to wait for you to come home, but not when idk even know, when? i am so lost. idk who am i? where we are, where i am? i dont even know what am i suppose to do? i dont want christmas or new year to come, i am afraid to know that i am letting it pass without you again. i have no idea why i cant sleep at night even when i am so tired. i was so scared just now, i have zero idea why too. i just wish you were here! i wish you would hold me tight! i guess i didnt make my wish clear enough when the star falls. i just wish i can stop burdening you. i know i have been a silence stress. and you wish to avoid me. i wish to behave like nothing was wrong, especially now, when darkness falls. i refuse to change or touch the tissue box. i know i am silly, i always been. but i really hope i was stupid sometimes, and sense nothing. i shall go under water soon. so it wont be clear it my rain or the shower head. i feel better that way. wish me luck. hope you are happy. i will only wait for thats what i can only do and is best at.

iambackcauseineedto.

i will be stupid cause i am when it comes to this. i want to be astro girl and be super strong! i guess i am still doing it fine. idk whether i should be moving. the signs are unreal. i always do know more than you think i know. its never easy to be me, the theory od ignorance is blissed is fight against me. tell me otherwise. the sun shines no matter i said, so lets go on a solo holidays and be contented with whatever there is. on the rock, we will rock.

my happy pbill sang me:

Don’t wanna swallow all your lies
Wanna feel alive
Don’t wanna hold on to your truth

ever since

perhaps she has been your escape route?
i will swallow.
so what if the tummy refuse, that the only way right?

where will we go if i tried hard to clap?
no where cause you choose to stay put with the mess you think that exist.
i will swallow, i will stay put too, like i always did even if you never will to believe.
its your choose, and i cant choose for you.
hopefully, i will be realised.

fire wont grow fierce if there's no wind.

perhaps i was silly to think i am such a happy girl, cause i am actually alone.
alone and happy cant be put together. they dont work.
even perhaps, i believed in all lies, i wont have any to lose, once again, i tried.
i made myself vulnerable.
like you said, i have to stand firm on my own, but for this, i wont.
cause its not me me me, but US!
WE have to make it right.
will we?

doing what i do best.

i read through this and it brings fears all over. whatever, swallow.

much of a difference

its okay if you see it anyway, this is my only place. i have to where to bust out to. if i only make you feel taken for granted, i am sorry. but i didnt. all i wanted was really an ear that listens. i didnt need anyone to stand up for me. i dont care if they will to bad mouth me or anything. i just need to bust. and if you cant take me ranting, i wont anymore. i will find my way to rant. you wont have to bear it. i am sorry i spoil the morning but i will blame it on him instead. if he aint the way he was i wont have to rant. in any case thanks for answering the call. i can say i am disappointed for i never scold him, for i cant swallow fast, i had called you, for i didnt control myself. but then again, what's wrong with being me. i am crossed with what i see, it seems like she's your escape route. and i am the irritant. i always envy being your friends. why cant i be any better? its okay, i can swallow. i do self-consoling well.
you can do want you want, i am no one to say anything anyway, i will keep my silence and swallow the noise. the noise that i found, the noise that i create. i know i am irritating, i dislike noise, loud noise, literal loud noise scares me. but they come to me easy. like my ears have amplifier to capture them. so i wont ask, and noise will tell. they dont hide for any of us. they roar, roar to life. and make sure they amplify on me.
everything is brimming i am still swallowing, and i will do my best at it. its choking me. i cant spill anything out. not that i have a secret. drink water, girl. it will help even if it doesnt, tell yourself it will, and it will eventually do its job.

i feel so much better now, goodnight my ♥, i bet you are sleeping and mega pissed. i cant help but be me. but i didnt cry, i swallow.

what will you do?

i think i miss you, but i feel like i shouldnt. i feel like a cause of the tragedy. i feel horrible. i cant say. i am greedy, and semi-selfish. a lot of things should never have happened. idk how to hold whats within, now. but i will do it.
some sharp pointed needles came huanting, guilt, fear, lost. like weather in different countries, some will rain while the others shines. when you smile, someone cries. its not within any control. i cant help but feel for it.

i h8 this part.relations.keep moving forward. when is a problem, there must be a solution!

knock knock

i totally lost my way here and blogger sucks-.-
messy messsy, its not right to do this, not right to do that.
i wish you were here, but it aint even right to wish so-.-

so dumb to think of getting dessert, you can get it from a nicer place
so irritated, dk why
so near yet so far
so much error
so much fault
so confuse
so disappointed, we didnt talk then
so much for being human

it sucks now.
idk how to move to the next step/:

i am done.

i deleted you all away(:
all the way!
hehe.

prefer B.K.

i have been thinking.
but
glad you found happy.

it could/would....

i would have been saying
happy 16th...

my sixth sense is acting...
the other side is not right
anyhow, be well.

humans

i almost lost my way here
have i forgotten
i dont think so
if not i wont be here at all
like i told someone close
no matter how far you are; you will still remember and think of the person you (ever) love

honestly

how to mind read with only my own mind?

saga/text/call

its me or its you?
so confusing

i finally met bop last friday(:
though its for work
we went there together
hehe
kinda coincidental that i decided to transfer money there
and you ask me to go with you
(:(:(:
its was really warm
and i was tying my hair
bop tap on my shoulder and pass me something seemingly dirty
ITS SAGA SEED!!!
okay, idk what you mean
but i am happy(:
hehe
still kept it nicely now(:

hmmm, so are you fooling me or fooling you?
you ask do those things; and making it known by me
eh, why?
dont want me to stay on?
or you just want to keep things going but dk how?

i am so numb by these
even when deb thought it was hurtful
i feel nothing
i should feel sad
but idk how to feel sad
or should i say i dont find a need to
cause i still think you care and think of me

thankyou, dumbo!

谁还记得; the fact that i <3 you so.

its a smoke screen or is it for real
am i gone for good or still in the deal
i am trying hard but it still wont heal

i miss you badly
you never know, really
you may go on smoothly
but i still long for you dearly

you are trying to forget
or i am being stupid
the world is tricking me
or i am being bluffed

still, i hope you are happy
make that wish upon that falling/fallen star come true, will you?

dk - 1week3days

i dont know if you saw what i said
i dont know if you do miss me
i dont know if i can handle it
i dont know why lil black its wrong
i dont know if you will be back
i dont know if you know i still love you
i dont know if i can do anything to help you or me
i dont know where are you
i dont know what are you doing
i dont know if you are well
i dont know.

i know i miss you badly.

in hiding

van is a pro.
she was hiding this super cute photo
that i can keep see and still think its damn super duper cute la.
i am not sharing it
i dont want it stolen
its mine
and was mine then
i have the right to keep it!!!

SHOO!

i know...

slightly.

i was tearing and smile with my teeth, without my eyes
HAHAH. knowing that uncertainty, its a relieve
cause i was so afraid of new comer
new comer or repeat student might eventually come
and its NOT gonna hurt
HAHAHAHHAHAHA
i am saying again to myself
will it work, idk
but knowing what i just saw aint very great
so it slight gave a bite on my shattered <3
it aint gonna hurt
it aint gonna hurt
it aint gonna hurt!!!

glad that someone out there doesnt approve that too
hehhe
i am selfish, so what
i think i am better
but that dont be judge in the test that i am in. ):
wish me luck, and hope i can pass(:
there is 2 types of passing i must say
of course i hope for win-win :D

but overall, i am happier than moment before(:
thankyou for i have what i have :D

deep black hole

to think of the worst situation make me cry
i cant handle but i have to eventually
i am a silly girl i know
i just dont want to know that
i cant contact
you wont contact
i cant see
you dont want to see
i miss
but you wont think/remember

i miss you hugging me to sleep and i miss holding you to bed),:
do you still....?

hello

you there?