its never easy.

there's so much in me, i need this to contain it.
i dont want to know you are departing this journey, i still want to try. though i hate cockroach but like its spirit. i dont want to know it will be like before that you will ignore it all and run on. i know its hard for both of us now, but if we dont try, we wont know. but its like an unfair match now. i was given a bad grade before the test. my chance was already low.

work harder, you can do better than that. you have to be strong.

i dislike what if(s), it torn us apart many times. thats when the bad thoughts like to enter, to disturb. i am so lost i dont even know i want to have company or be alone. i wish i was a robot or have one. to put me to bed and rest. to hug me when i cry. i know i am a crybaby, i will doing it under shower head so no one will ever see. i can really use one now. i dont want humans to put pity. i am even afraid to hear what i want to know. cause i wasnt told who am i. its been a week. almost a month used. i wish i had the courage to hold you on thurs night. what if thats the last time you come for me. (bad "what if") i really hope its not. i hope i can hibernate. though i might have bad dreams but at least i wont think of what might be happening especially i am ignored. i hate my brain. it wont stop. i know i want you happy but the selfish me needs you. i was really happy when you came home after so long. so glad that i can hold you close and be held back. it was all so beautiful. it was so cute when i went through old msges, the ones about wedding bands and "will you marry me?" now the bed is where i miss you most, when i used to stared at you most. i miss seeing shock face when you try to move away from your raining. you even push me away cause you rained on me. you will hold my hands tight when you are sleeping, drunk. not knowing why yourself and so do i. i miss you telling me not to steal your oxygen i like to sleep so close. i miss kissing that cheeks and lips when you are not aware. i miss those warms hands that will keep me warm. we didnt do much this time but i know it can make me laugh at all the silly litte things to went through. trying to run away from cockroahes that were everywhere. you getting impatient when i am so blind in games. its funny to see you get angry when i am so blur to dangerous surroundings, it can make me smile out from deeo down my heart to know you care. others might thing you can fierce, but it your form of communication. who says sweet thoughts must come out sweet. the only thing that matters, its the meaning of it, so what if there's lots of sweet words, how many are true? i know you were true.(: i am so thankful for these memories cause they can stop rain. i want to and need to work on building more. even if it brings disappointment, cause i know i will regret it if i dont try.

i hope i had the courage to tell you all these. but i have so much what if(s) thats stopping me. i will just wait. patience. good things dont come easy. you have got to work on it! work hard, really hard!

baby, i really miss you!
when are you coming home?

who am i?

i refuse to come here. i have no idea why, i wasnt making any sense. replaceable by someone you knew less than 2 months? or am i just stupid, you knew her all along? who am i lying when i wear that "i am fine" on me? the world. i dont want pity. i am feeling it already, thats why i told no one anything, nothing, anymore. i dont want anyone to think anything bad of you too. i hope i never say anything on msn that day, i wish i just live in your lies sometime. i will believe them. i told you i like to wait for you to come home, but not when idk even know, when? i am so lost. idk who am i? where we are, where i am? i dont even know what am i suppose to do? i dont want christmas or new year to come, i am afraid to know that i am letting it pass without you again. i have no idea why i cant sleep at night even when i am so tired. i was so scared just now, i have zero idea why too. i just wish you were here! i wish you would hold me tight! i guess i didnt make my wish clear enough when the star falls. i just wish i can stop burdening you. i know i have been a silence stress. and you wish to avoid me. i wish to behave like nothing was wrong, especially now, when darkness falls. i refuse to change or touch the tissue box. i know i am silly, i always been. but i really hope i was stupid sometimes, and sense nothing. i shall go under water soon. so it wont be clear it my rain or the shower head. i feel better that way. wish me luck. hope you are happy. i will only wait for thats what i can only do and is best at.

iambackcauseineedto.

i will be stupid cause i am when it comes to this. i want to be astro girl and be super strong! i guess i am still doing it fine. idk whether i should be moving. the signs are unreal. i always do know more than you think i know. its never easy to be me, the theory od ignorance is blissed is fight against me. tell me otherwise. the sun shines no matter i said, so lets go on a solo holidays and be contented with whatever there is. on the rock, we will rock.

my happy pbill sang me:

Don’t wanna swallow all your lies
Wanna feel alive
Don’t wanna hold on to your truth

ever since

perhaps she has been your escape route?
i will swallow.
so what if the tummy refuse, that the only way right?

where will we go if i tried hard to clap?
no where cause you choose to stay put with the mess you think that exist.
i will swallow, i will stay put too, like i always did even if you never will to believe.
its your choose, and i cant choose for you.
hopefully, i will be realised.

fire wont grow fierce if there's no wind.

perhaps i was silly to think i am such a happy girl, cause i am actually alone.
alone and happy cant be put together. they dont work.
even perhaps, i believed in all lies, i wont have any to lose, once again, i tried.
i made myself vulnerable.
like you said, i have to stand firm on my own, but for this, i wont.
cause its not me me me, but US!
WE have to make it right.
will we?

doing what i do best.

i read through this and it brings fears all over. whatever, swallow.

much of a difference

its okay if you see it anyway, this is my only place. i have to where to bust out to. if i only make you feel taken for granted, i am sorry. but i didnt. all i wanted was really an ear that listens. i didnt need anyone to stand up for me. i dont care if they will to bad mouth me or anything. i just need to bust. and if you cant take me ranting, i wont anymore. i will find my way to rant. you wont have to bear it. i am sorry i spoil the morning but i will blame it on him instead. if he aint the way he was i wont have to rant. in any case thanks for answering the call. i can say i am disappointed for i never scold him, for i cant swallow fast, i had called you, for i didnt control myself. but then again, what's wrong with being me. i am crossed with what i see, it seems like she's your escape route. and i am the irritant. i always envy being your friends. why cant i be any better? its okay, i can swallow. i do self-consoling well.
you can do want you want, i am no one to say anything anyway, i will keep my silence and swallow the noise. the noise that i found, the noise that i create. i know i am irritating, i dislike noise, loud noise, literal loud noise scares me. but they come to me easy. like my ears have amplifier to capture them. so i wont ask, and noise will tell. they dont hide for any of us. they roar, roar to life. and make sure they amplify on me.
everything is brimming i am still swallowing, and i will do my best at it. its choking me. i cant spill anything out. not that i have a secret. drink water, girl. it will help even if it doesnt, tell yourself it will, and it will eventually do its job.

i feel so much better now, goodnight my ♥, i bet you are sleeping and mega pissed. i cant help but be me. but i didnt cry, i swallow.

what will you do?

i think i miss you, but i feel like i shouldnt. i feel like a cause of the tragedy. i feel horrible. i cant say. i am greedy, and semi-selfish. a lot of things should never have happened. idk how to hold whats within, now. but i will do it.
some sharp pointed needles came huanting, guilt, fear, lost. like weather in different countries, some will rain while the others shines. when you smile, someone cries. its not within any control. i cant help but feel for it.

i h8 this part.relations.keep moving forward. when is a problem, there must be a solution!