its never easy.

there's so much in me, i need this to contain it.
i dont want to know you are departing this journey, i still want to try. though i hate cockroach but like its spirit. i dont want to know it will be like before that you will ignore it all and run on. i know its hard for both of us now, but if we dont try, we wont know. but its like an unfair match now. i was given a bad grade before the test. my chance was already low.

work harder, you can do better than that. you have to be strong.

i dislike what if(s), it torn us apart many times. thats when the bad thoughts like to enter, to disturb. i am so lost i dont even know i want to have company or be alone. i wish i was a robot or have one. to put me to bed and rest. to hug me when i cry. i know i am a crybaby, i will doing it under shower head so no one will ever see. i can really use one now. i dont want humans to put pity. i am even afraid to hear what i want to know. cause i wasnt told who am i. its been a week. almost a month used. i wish i had the courage to hold you on thurs night. what if thats the last time you come for me. (bad "what if") i really hope its not. i hope i can hibernate. though i might have bad dreams but at least i wont think of what might be happening especially i am ignored. i hate my brain. it wont stop. i know i want you happy but the selfish me needs you. i was really happy when you came home after so long. so glad that i can hold you close and be held back. it was all so beautiful. it was so cute when i went through old msges, the ones about wedding bands and "will you marry me?" now the bed is where i miss you most, when i used to stared at you most. i miss seeing shock face when you try to move away from your raining. you even push me away cause you rained on me. you will hold my hands tight when you are sleeping, drunk. not knowing why yourself and so do i. i miss you telling me not to steal your oxygen i like to sleep so close. i miss kissing that cheeks and lips when you are not aware. i miss those warms hands that will keep me warm. we didnt do much this time but i know it can make me laugh at all the silly litte things to went through. trying to run away from cockroahes that were everywhere. you getting impatient when i am so blind in games. its funny to see you get angry when i am so blur to dangerous surroundings, it can make me smile out from deeo down my heart to know you care. others might thing you can fierce, but it your form of communication. who says sweet thoughts must come out sweet. the only thing that matters, its the meaning of it, so what if there's lots of sweet words, how many are true? i know you were true.(: i am so thankful for these memories cause they can stop rain. i want to and need to work on building more. even if it brings disappointment, cause i know i will regret it if i dont try.

i hope i had the courage to tell you all these. but i have so much what if(s) thats stopping me. i will just wait. patience. good things dont come easy. you have got to work on it! work hard, really hard!

baby, i really miss you!
when are you coming home?