who am i?

i refuse to come here. i have no idea why, i wasnt making any sense. replaceable by someone you knew less than 2 months? or am i just stupid, you knew her all along? who am i lying when i wear that "i am fine" on me? the world. i dont want pity. i am feeling it already, thats why i told no one anything, nothing, anymore. i dont want anyone to think anything bad of you too. i hope i never say anything on msn that day, i wish i just live in your lies sometime. i will believe them. i told you i like to wait for you to come home, but not when idk even know, when? i am so lost. idk who am i? where we are, where i am? i dont even know what am i suppose to do? i dont want christmas or new year to come, i am afraid to know that i am letting it pass without you again. i have no idea why i cant sleep at night even when i am so tired. i was so scared just now, i have zero idea why too. i just wish you were here! i wish you would hold me tight! i guess i didnt make my wish clear enough when the star falls. i just wish i can stop burdening you. i know i have been a silence stress. and you wish to avoid me. i wish to behave like nothing was wrong, especially now, when darkness falls. i refuse to change or touch the tissue box. i know i am silly, i always been. but i really hope i was stupid sometimes, and sense nothing. i shall go under water soon. so it wont be clear it my rain or the shower head. i feel better that way. wish me luck. hope you are happy. i will only wait for thats what i can only do and is best at.